wanderingkitten313's Blog

   Writing this blog, I realize I don't have much time as I've been studying up until now, but...today has been a kind of interesting day in the way that its different from past days and possibly from future days. Most days I am overly stressed and miserable because I look at all the things I have to do and/or am going to have to do, and what I'm dealing with and/or going to have to deal with, and it just brings me down and I don't believe in myself. So as I result, I put myself through this grueling self torture. Why I do this, I don't really know. It might just be my self destructive nature, or it might be in some strange effort to make myself stronger by forcing myself to endure self punishment in order to be able to handle it better when it comes to me from other sources. Anyway, the point of today is that it feels as though I'm just all around more calm about things. That I'm thinking more rational than usual. I'm not excessively freaking out over anything. I'm not overly stressed or overwhelmed. I'm not unnecessarily worried about anything. Now I am not really a religious person, but it feels as though today, I've been given a large break from myself. That I've been allowed to relax a little bit and take things slowly, and that I've been allowed to escape myself for a little bit. As strange as it might sound, its almost a feeling of relief and peace. I have to be honest in saying that I don't really know if something is looking out for me in life, if everything is a combination between chance and coincidence and that life is as you make it through your own choices and decisions. Honestly, I know that I'll never be sure which I believe because the one thing we can all agree on, is that there may never be physical proof that we'll be able to consciously recognize right in front of our faces that will tell us the answers to the questions we're asking. I will say this, I'm open minded to the idea, and I do believe in the feeling of spirituality and the intense connection human beings have to nature, and for now, thats good enough for me. I just wanted to get it out of me how I'm feeling. Its really an...incredible feeling in this moment. And I know it will be gone in a minute, but...for the time being, I feel really at peace, and like tomorrow will be a new day. I just wanted to preserve this while I still could before it disappeared again.   

I feeling the heavy weight of depression weighing down on my shoulders again. But...I don't know. I just...can't get over it. I can't shake it. It feels like a sickness you can't get rid of, or like something heavy that you can't push off of you. I mean...I'm trying to tell myself that I don't care about my situation. That I have no friends, no one who wants to even talk to me let alone spend any time around me. Not even family really. The person whos making all these promises to me and telling they want to be with me and all this other bullshit is just...making me feel worse and worse. I'm starting to hate him. I've lost so much respect for him. Most of the time I don't even want to hear from him. But...I'm...somehow terrified of telling him how much I hate him. Maybe its because I'm so worried of having absolutely no one to talk to. No one to tell me they love me. Maybe its because I know that if its not him, then it won't ever be anyone. No one will ever love me. Who could though? No one. I'm so...unlovable. The hardest part is having to admit it. It tears me apart every time I have to say it out loud. I feel like just...giving up and offing myself. I don't though for the sake of my grandmother. I am the only one she has since no one else will help. And she needs me to be there for her and talk to her, because again, no one else will either. And I love her despite all the cruel and spiteful and such things that she says and does, deep down I love her. I'm so miserable. I feel like crying, but I can't. It's getting harder and harder to even get out of bed, let alone take care of myself. I just wish that I could just...keep to myself if I wanted to, but that social spirit inside me longs for the energy of others. In that way I constantly abuse and set myself up for hurt and failure. I feel like things will never get better, no matter how hard I try. I keep doing things to make everything worse, in relationships that is. I don't know. I guess I just figure that I should just end up alone. Maybe its better that way. Maybe thats what I deserve. Maybe...I'm just that bad of a person. I don't know. I'm like the bitter old cat lady who lives alone and who no one wants anything to do with. Except I only have one cat...but its a start right? I don't know what to do. Or I do know what to do and I'm just...having such a hard time doing it. I can't just focus on school and work. I wish I could, but I can't. I think its because I'm longing so much for someone to be there, when I know that no one ever will. It hurts...so bad...all the time...and...I just...I wish that I could be good enough to deserve that. I wish that I was worthy of that happiness and the attention of others and someone who is really a nice person and wants to take care of me. I don't know...I feel like...the world might just...be a better place if I...just wasn't a part of it anymore. I don't know. I know how pathetic this all sounds but...I can't help it...I don't know...I guess I just with that I either had the strength to forget about the things that are tearing me apart and making me miserable or that I could just...get over it. I don't know...oh well I guess...I'll just have to suck it up and deal with it more...

   It seems like, especially in stereotypes, that people often have to choose between beauty or brains. Those who've chosen beauty often are painted as the pretty morons, the perfect examples being the stereotypical cheerleaders or the popular girls or preppy girls, or even the jocks or, the most common, the dumb blonds. Then there are the stereotypical brainiacs. The nerds, the "losers" and/or loners, etc. Looking at reality however, the people I work with, people I know, people around me, family members, friends, everyone, seems to be able to step outside of that stereotype and pick both, or have a little bit of both or whatever. There are girls I work with who are very pretty, and very smart. I envy them. I have friends are very attractive and incredibly smart. I envy them as well. Being around these people, I find myself often having to play the part of the dumb, giggling blond. I wasn't really aware that I was doing this until someone pointed it out. Someone had told me that I play this part as a way of acceptance. People overlook my idiotness because I can appear cute and unintentionally funny. Through that, I've often escaped ridicule or humiliation of not being as smart as anyone else. Unfortunately, that part isn't really hiding me as well as it used to. In fact, its becoming more and more true every day. I really am not smart at all, and it shows. No matter how hard I try to hide it. I'll never be as smart as anyone around me. It takes me twice as long to learn things that most people learn in a snap. I get confused over simple things sometimes. I have to struggle to understand and see things the way everyone else does so easily. I often ask myself the question, why can't I be like them? Why can't I be pretty and smart, instead of neither one. I look at myself hard at work. Spending weeks full of studying. It does pay off, but I have to spend all day doing it. Some people I know don't study at all and maintain A+ grades. I wonder what their flaw might be. I wonder if its possible that there is something I might be able to do or might know that they can't or don't. I want to say its not fair, but...then I realize it is. People are responsible for the outcomes of their own lives through the choices they make everyday. Or through the way they decide to do or handle things that happen around or to them. My whole young life, I've been beating and punishing myself over and over, telling myself and everyone else, how I've been ruining my life. How I've been screwing everything up. I thought it was just because I was a "screw up", and not doing it right on purpose. Then the more I went though it in my head, I realized, theres really something wrong with me. Everyone tells me if there is something physically wrong with me, its the Depression. People often tell me its the cause of a lot of my problems. I have learned to blame everything on it these days because the truth is...I really...just don't know what the truth is. I don't know whats wrong with me, I don't know if its the Depression at all or if its just my own fault and something I'm doing wrong and what not. I've thought of speaking with a therapist...and even emailed one. She told me to give her a call and ask my questions. I thought about it, but never did it. I don't know. I thought about it, but then I realized I'm only crazy sometimes. And if thats the case, then I shouldn't be talking to someone regularly when the problem isn't regularly or even in any sort of a pattern. I dont' know. I just...I don't know. 

  So I've been trying to be more social and get out and have fun on like weekends and what not with friends of mine. It was going really well until last night, when our favorite bar/club/pool hall was having this weekend Halloween party type thing. So my friend and I decided to go, however she decided to bring her boyfriend so that the creepies would keep off her. I tried to invite someone I'd met there before, he declined. So I tried to invite a good friend, he declined. Then I tried to invite a friend from work, he also declined but insisted all night that he needed to come over. I tried to convince him to come with me, but he kept giving excuses. So I went there and knew it might not be that fun, but I figured I'd try anyway. After a little bit, I look around and see that I'm surrounded by couples dressed up in costume, having fun. I look over at my friend only to see her clinging and kissing up on her boyfriend. I suddenly feel like the only single person in the room and completely alone. I know this sounds really stupid, but you can only imagine how awkward it was for me. So I stepped out and texted my ex for a little while, who was trying to encourage me to leave, knowing how miserable I was there. I said I needed to stay because my friend was begging me to stay. I was hoping I'd meet someone to just hang out and dance with, but I knew that wouldn't happen. So after sitting out for a while, and watching everyone else have fun, my friend dragged her boyfriend over and they found me. I told them I was leaving and they tried to convince me not to but that was the last place I wanted to be. After that, I was so miserable and felt so crappy I just wanted to go home and crawl into bed all night and just disappear. Then the texts from the guy from work continued and I told him he could come over if he wanted to. He said he wanted to cheer me up. After making me wait like an hour or more, he suddenly changes his mind. Then finally, after texting me all night, my ex FINALLY musters up the courage to call me after I spend the whole night telling him I'm tired of just texting him all the time. We have a very miserably and unpleasant conversation which ends with me saying goodnight coldly and hitting the end button. What a way to spend your Friday night right? 
    I have nothing to look forward to. Ever. Nothing to be excited about. Nothing to look forward to in life even. Just get up, go to school, come home and mope, go back to school depending on what day it is. Or take my grandmother around so she can run all her errands, and then come home and mope around the house like a loser all night, while texting my ex because thats all he ever wants to do. I've been trying to end communication with him because I'm fed up, but he insists that we can "give it another shot" even though theres nothing to give another shot. We're not together. We're just texting all the time. Hes using me for company and support probably when hes not getting it from other sources. The truth is that without him texting me though, I'd just be completely alone. Maybe thats what I deserve though. Maybe I'm just supposed to be alone and have nothing but obligation. I don't know. I wish I could be the type to get out and have fun and have a nice life, But the problem is...that all these people around me, who claim to be friends and care about me, are secretly always looking out for themselves. I'm only as good as what I can do for you. Thats how everyone sees me. Even my family. I feel like being all alone and isolated at this point is just better. I'm stating to hate everyone too and become very resentful and antisocial. I used to be so nice and friendly...I guess that just goes to show what the things that happen to you can do to change who you are...or...something like that.....

   So, over the last few weeks, actually the last month even, I've been drifting further and further away from one of the only people I talk to in the world. Despite that its almost entirely just through text because they don't have room in their life or time to stop and give me a call or get on skype for a few minutes. I do understand though. I do have this one friend that I spend time with from time to time. What sets him apart and makes him more unique than the others is that he is the most observant person I've ever met. He has the unique ability to read anyone, and just completely figure them out within minutes. Without ever talking to them. Just by watching them. Now I don't know if I'm just an open book and easy to read, or if hes just that good, but Its the strangest thing to me. Hes always been able to pick the thoughts right out of my head. He knows what every facial expression means. What every movement is caused by and why. He can understand me like no one ever has. I make the joke that its almost like a superpower sometimes. The other night, we went out to catch an evening horror flick, followed by some evening coffee and several hours full of deep conversation. This is normally our usual routine. However, this time, I received a phone call from my friend across the country. He asked about it. I told him. He gave me advice and insight that sent the coldest chill down my spine. He told me he had this feeling. This bad feeling. Like my friend is not who he seems, and that there may be a darker twist to it that I'm not fully aware of. He also thinks my friend is using me for emotional support, and brought out the possibility that he may have a girlfriend over there and has just kept her very well hidden. Hearing these thoughts filled me with worry and only worsened my already bad case of paranoia. What if there is really something bad about him? What if I'm making a horrible mistake I'll regret in the worst way? I worry about it all the time. I'd convinced myself to take a chance and was willing to accept the consequences. However, now, after hearing that, I just don't know. 
   I'm getting more and more used to not having him in any way. All I ever get now is delayed texts. It started out a year ago with skype every night, then phone calls every day. Constant communication. Now...just delayed, simple texts whenever he "finds time". I'm filled with obvious suspicion, however at the same time I feel helpless. I'm not sure what to do. I've tried to break off our connection, but hes manipulated me back into it, begging me not to "leave" him. Telling me how much he loves me and how much I matter to him. All these promises I know he'll never keep. Constant apologies for it. I know what the truth is, and I can see it, however I don't know if its just my self destructive nature, or my kicked puppy syndrome, or what, but for some reason, even though I can see the truth, and I know what I"m getting myself into, I put up with. I dont' know why. All I know now is that I'm seeing things in a bit of a different light. I don't know that it'll really change anything...but it sure makes things interesting. 

   So...I've been spending....the past few months constantly keeping in communication and what not with my ex who dumped me because his family hates me and caved to their wants. But he wants to be with me and wants me to wait a year until he gets all of his stuff taken care of so he can come here and see me. Obviously this sounds crazy and a bit ridiculous but...when you meet someone who seems so perfect for you when you've got so many problems, its hard to think of trying to find someone else who will be able to accept you for the crazy mess that you are. 
     Last night, I went out dancing with my friend. We went to our favorite club. Once there, we ran into this guy I'd met a while back and had a few good nights with. A few good nights meaning that we met, danced all night and then went home and texted a little bit. He told me he was deploying and wanted to take me to dinner but I admitted I might be too busy with school. I regretted it because as I was trying to give my affection to someone mostly through just text message who wasn't physically here or really never had time for me, I kind of realized it was a possibility that despite the circumstances in which we'd met, it was possible that I'd passed up a good opportunity. I didn't hear from him for a few months and inevitably stopped thinking of him. Then last night, we ran into him, and I couldn't believe it, but he remembered me. He asked for my number again and we again spent the whole night dancing and hanging out. It was great fun. Then I looked at my phone seeing all these texts from my text message ex boyfriend. Suddenly I'm thinking, what if I were to move on and find someone different who was actually here and maybe a little bit different and didn't have the obstacles that I do with text message ex boyfriend. Then I became overwhelmed with fear and wanted to forget him. I thought, who could possibly like someone like me? My self image is so horrible its probably annoying. I also have neurotic tendencies which manifest themselves in the form of countless meaningless apologies for trivial things. Also I'm extremely dull as a result to being forced to be such a freaking shut in because no one wants to physically spend very much time with me if any. Of course a lot of people just don't even talk to me, but I've grown used to it. Then theres this other guy who acts like he likes me and gets all cuddly and friendly and then doesn't even really want to hang out with me except when he wants to which is late at night and I always say no because I don't really spend my nights at the houses of guys I work with. Then at work hes all playful and flirtatious. So I've just given up trying to figure him out. I just don't know what to do. I mean, I'll always look like this, and I just...don't have the...motivation or something to make myself look better or prettier or anything beyond make up, and...I'll always be a crazy weirdo like this with a whole bunch of problems. And I worry...who could ever like someone like me? Or worse yet, how could anyone ever love someone like me? No one could. I've accepted that its very possible that...I'll just be alone because no one will want to deal with all my craziness and won't be able to handle me and they'll all just...run off.  I don't know what to do. I'm trying to be independent so that I can give myself all the things I need. Then I can forget that there will never be anyone there. I don't know how well thats working though. I can see how pathetic and dull my life is and how I'm letting it just...wither away. I don't know what to do though. I'm so alone all the time. I guess I'll just have to suck it up and keep on hermitting like I am and doing things out of obligation...I don't know...

   So, I am not really content with my job most days, however I suck it up and get through it and still try to do a good job because he gives me what I need to survive. Money. Today, I arrived at school and hurried to try and study as much as I could through my lecture notes before my test started. Most of the questions I think I did somewhat ok on, but some of them I totally blanked out on. Also I suppose in the midst of thinking so much about passing the test and having a good grade, I headed home. Halfway home I realized I forgot to stop and fill out a degree application with my advisor. I couldn't go back though because I didn't have time. My grandmother wanted to go have breakfast and then go to Petsmart. So I headed home and reassured myself I'd do it Monday. From then on it was going pretty well. Then as I was getting ready for work, putting on a little mascara and about to brush my teeth, I get a call from work. Answering nervously, I hear my manager on the other end asking where I am, telling me I was supposed to be there half an hour ago. So I had to rush out of the house and go straight to work. From then on, my whole day was surprising ok. I was in a really good mood like all day. Like...nothing could get me down. It was rather strange for me because working in retail, usually something irritates me. Usually the butthole customers. Now getting home, for some reason, I feel really bummed. I don't know if its that its Friday night and I'm home with my grandmother, or if its just that I'm tired and I have nothing to do and no one to talk to but it was rather sudden, like as soon as I got home. Now I'm thinking about this field trip tomorrow that I have to get up and go to at nine in the morning lol. Not really excited but oh well lol. 

   Now this sounds a little silly, but I swear, I'm like cursed or something. Every year on my actual birth day, a lot of bad things happen in a row. It doesn't usually last all day, but enough to make a bad birthday. For my last birthday I ended up doing what others wanted to celebrate just to keep from all the argument and what not. Then towards the end of the day, I got sick and ended up having a horrible case of the flu. The year before that, my family started a huge argument about how poorly I was doing in school and really got down on me about it, and I felt so bad that I cried and went and hid at my then boyfriend's house where I drank until I got sleepy. This year, the day started out at midnight when people started wishing me happy birthday early. Then I fell asleep on the phone with my boyfriend, and I couldn't sleep the whole night. So when I woke up super tired, I threw on some clothes and headed down to get ready, and I made it out the door just on scheduled time. However on my way to school, I literally had to stop at every light because every single light was a red light and each light is within five minutes from each other. The whole way. Then, almost to school I got stuck behind this stupid little guy who didn't seem to know how to use his blinker and kept just swerving suddenly into lanes without his blinker. Then it turned out he was also going to school with me, and also going the exact same way I was. Then getting to the parking lot, I got stuck behind like twenty five people who jammed up the main road to the back lot which is the only lot that has any parking spots in the morning. I look at the clock and notice I have like five minutes to park my car and hike down to the building my class was in. So I luckily find a spot, and race down the steps, then down the lot to my class. I make it there just on time. On my way home, I'm still upset. Driving out of the school parking lot, I keep getting cut off by people who always feel the need to go before me. Then I get stuck behind this super slow chick who isn't even going the speed limit. By this point, I'm so upset by the day, that I actually burst into tears as I'm driving home. However, the good part of this story is when I stop to pick up my friend for a birthday lunch with my grandmother, things start to look up and I start to feel better. Then I get home to find a birthday gift from my boyfriend waiting for me. It turns out to be an adorable little brooch of a bug (I like bugs) and a drawing that he'd drawn that I'd liked and asked for, and a sweet letter with a poem inside, sealed with a kiss at the bottom. Totally made the day all better. But every year, something really bad happens. I don't know why but every year, sure thing. I wonder if its because I'm a bad person or something...

My mood: pretty crappy and exhausted